Until you're ready

Not all shared living arrangements turn out well, unfortunately. However, almost all problems happen because there was no written and agreed upon set of expectations and house rules or the participants did not actively use their written agreement to solve problems.

It's like a marriage. After the honeymoon is over, you start to notice all kinds of things about your spouse that you didn't notice before or that you thought wouldn't bother you. 

Would your marriage have been better if you had co-created a written agreement about how things would be done and who would do them? And then reviewed it on a regular basis, making changes when needed?

Alice and Joan thought they didn't need one.....

(Names are fictitious) Alice and Joan were so excited when they met on the Senior Women Living Together website. There was an instant attraction between them. They had the same sense of humour and thoroughly enjoyed each other's company.

Since they were both anxious to find a new place to live, they began looking soon after meeting and found a lovely 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom apartment they both loved. 

However, just a few days after moving in together, problems started to show up. They had some disagreements about whose furniture should go in the living room and when the cleaning should be done. Initially, they were able to come to some verbal agreement but within a month, they found they were bickering about almost everything.

They were both miserable and sad. Joan moved out at the end of the 4th month of living together.

Alice said, "We thought we didn't need a homemate agreement, but we were so wrong about this. And by the time, we sat down to create one, we were hardly speaking and too angry with each other."

Set yourself up for success instead.....

There are a lot of good things that happen when you sit down together to co-create your future. As you make decisions together, you start building more and more commitment into your relationship. 

Simply deciding to take the time to create an agreement together is a commitment. Your decision says, "I am committed to doing all I can to make this work."

For sure, you will get to know one another better as you work through the agreement issues. You will learn more about how each one makes decisions, about their communication styles and about their expectations. This builds intimacy and trust.

Topics to include in your agreement....

A written agreement needs to state all of the house rules clearly.  Plus, it should include all of the specific things that relate to your particular situation.

Here is a starting list of topics for an agreement:

- how will the rent and utilities bills be paid
- how will cars and parking spots be managed
- how will we manage our pets
- whose furniture and knick knacks will go in the communal spaces
- how will we share the bathroom
- how will we handle grocery shopping, meals and using the kitchen
- what about cleaning and laundry
- noise levels, partying and guests

The SWLT Homemate Agreement includes all of the above and more. We added a section called Aging Together that discusses things like providing physical caregiving, managing injuries/operations/falls, how to manage signs of dementia etc. Another SWLT section is about maintaining healthy relationships that includes things like managing conflicts, respecting boundaries, managing hurt feelings and what's not okay when talking to one another. (When you become a member, you will get a copy of the SWLT Homemate Agreement).

It does not need to be a legal document .....

The SWLT Homemate Agreement is not a legal document, like a lease. It's a social and moral contract.  You are promising to behave according to the contents of the agreement and to remain committed to doing all you can to maintain an harmonious relationship with your homemates. 

Not written in stone.....

Life and circumstances change, and your Homemate Agreement should reflect these changes. The point is that everyone should have the expectation that changes will be made over time. And this expectation actually helps everyone to make compromises. If you all know that a specific decision made in December could be changed in March, it's easier to agree to a "Let's try this for now" kind of decision.

It's about what works and what doesn't work ....

When everyone in the homemate group participates fully in it's creation and revision and everyone is fully commited to attending Homemate Agreement meetings, a successful outcome is almost assured.

When people live together, there will always be disagreements that arise from time to time. But there does not need to be any negative and unproductive conversation, like blaming, name-calling, anger or resentment.

Developing and regularly revising a Homemate Agreement is about determining what works and what doesn't work. For instance, a month after creating agreement on how everyone will share a bathroom, things aren't going well. Homemates are frustrated. So, instead of arguing or blaming, the issue can be brought to a Homemate Agreement meeting and new decisions can be made that solve the problems.

Keep in mind that most unsuccessful shared living arrangements happen when there is no formal, written agreement that everyone is committed to. 

Are you ready to get started finding compatible 
homemates?  Go here to join us.

It's good to consider ahead of time what questions you want to ask a prospective person you might want to live with. (In Senior Women Living Together, we call these people prospective "homemates").  

Naturally, you need to discuss all of the basic things like how cooking, cleaning and laundry will be done.  But at a deeper level, you will also want to know what the person will be like to live with.  So, you need to learn more about their usual ways of responding to day-to-day life circumstances.

Sometimes, it can be challenging to ask the harder, deeper questions. They can raise anxiety in the person, and you might worry about how the question will be received.

Keep in mind that your prospective homemate might want to ask you some hard questions too. So, here is what you could say to get the ball rolling.  “I really like you and I think we are pretty compatible. But before I commit to living together, I think we should both be as sure as we can be. Let's start asking each other the hard questions so that we can move forward with more confidence. Do you have any questions about me that you would like answered before you commit?"

Here is a list of some of the hard questions/issues to consider:

- What complaints have others (like friends, ex-husbands or ex-roomates) had about you in the past?

- What are your worst qualities/behaviours? 

- Why might living with you be difficult for me? 

- How do you usually react to big changes, like moving, losing a job, a death? 

- If you could wave a magic wand and change something about you in an instant, what would it be? 

- Do you require understanding/accommodation because of neurodiversity or mental health issues like anxiety, depression, bi-polar disorder? 

- Do you wake up happy and looking forward to your day? 

- What is your sleep pattern like? 

- Is your own personal growth important to you, and what kinds of things do you do to increase your self-awareness? 

- How do you handle conflict or disagreements? 

- What do you do when your feelings are hurt? 

- Is it hard for you to confront things that are bothering you? 

- What do you do when someone is doing something you don't like? 

- What is your relationship with your children like? With your ex-husband? With your friends?  What would they say about living with you?

- Do you have close friends? Why do you consider them close friends? 

Also keep in mind that this person will be sharing rent payments with you, so asking about her income and credit rating is important but can be hard to broach.  

The SWLT process includes everything you need to know and do
to find compatible homemates.  Join Now and get started Today.
It's 100% free, so you've got nothing to lose.

Compatibility is described as "a state in which two things are able to exist or occur together without problems or conflict".  

Everyone would agree that the most important thing that leads to success in a home sharing situation is finding the "right" people to live with. Since compatibility is essential for successful shared-living, Senior Women Living Together (SWLT) focuses considerable attention on this issue. 

Let's face it, no one wants all the stress and work required to move into a place and then find out that the woman or women we are living with are not a good fit.  

Here are some tips on how to determine if someone is compatible with you. Or in other words, how you can tell if the other person is a good fit for you to live with. 

First, know thyself.....

Take a good look at yourself first.  What are the qualities that you admire in people?  What draws you and another person into a friendship?  Perhaps, it's a person's sense of humour that draws you. Or their intelligence or ability to articulate their thoughts. Maybe, you are drawn to people with the same values and life-view. Or you could be drawn to people who are different from you.  

The point is to explore for yourself what you want to find in a person who you will live with. 

But be sure to also explore what kind of person you do not want to live with.  Consider what qualities you could not tolerate. Perhaps, dishonesty or negativity or inflexibility or even their political views would be difficult for you to live with.   

Don't rush.....

If you are in a hurry, you are more likely to make rash decisions and could easily find yourself living in a horrible shared living situation. It's not uncommon for human beings to rationalize living with someone who is not a good fit simply because there is no time to re-consider. 

At SWLT, we find that it generally takes at least 2 months of actively spending time together and getting to know one another before making the decision to live together.  
 

Picture this.....

Now, picture your perfect homemate. What is she like? What kind of person is she?

Also, picture a living-together scenario that interests you. Perhaps, preparing and sharing a meal together. It could be an activity, like taking a long walk together, shopping together or watching a movie together. What kind of homemate do you want to do these things with?

The devil is in the details...

Of course, it's often the little things that can irritate the most. Like how the other person does the cleaning or laundry or grocery shopping. What does "clean" mean to her as compared to your expectations.  Maybe, she spends a lot of time watching TV and then wants to describe everything to you in detail.  The list of details goes on and on.

So, SWLT has created a way to discuss and make decisions about all of these things in our Homemate Agreement. If you become a subscriber, you will get a copy of this with instructions on how to use it, but for now, you can learn more about our agreement here.

Look for "perfectly imperfect" matches.....

Since none of us are perfect, though, it's very unlikely that you will find a homemate that matches you in every way. 

So, the next best thing is a woman who is "perfectly imperfect". Can you find the women who "Mostly Match" your expectations? Are you able to be flexible about some of the things you want or don't want?

It's okay to trust your gut reaction.....

Pay attention to red flags and your gut reactions. If you are uncomfortable with something a potential homemate says or the way she treats other people, don't ignore it or dismiss it. Try to determine if it is something you can live with, something you can't live with or something you need to fully discuss with the woman first.

Most of us know after a couple of meetings if we like someone or not; if this person COULD be a good friend. Often, this is a gut reaction. We aren't always sure exactly why we like the person, we just know that we do. Similarly, we usually know pretty quickly if we don't like someone.

But living together with someone is different than friendship.  For instance, your current bestie might be perfectly compatible as a friend but not someone you could live with. 

Check out how you feel when you are spending time together....

If you feel tense, nervous or confused when you spend time with a potential homemate, you need to ask questions and get more information before agreeing to live together.  (You can learn more about asking the hard questions here.)

If you feel happy and relaxed when you are with her, then you are definitely on the right track. But you still might need to get more information and learn more about her before you commit to living together.

In this way, finding a good fit for a homemate is similar to finding a good fit for a spouse.  Lots of time needs to be spent together; lots of in-depth conversations need to be had. There is that thing called, the "honeymoon period" that affects homemate arrangements too. So spend lots of time together and make sure you get all of your questions answered.

It's a good idea to visit each other's current homes because you can quickly learn what "clean" means to them and if they have a habit of hoarding things, for instance.  Doing activities you are both interested in is another good way to spend time together. Even going on a bus trip together can reveal things about your potential homemate that you might not otherwise learn.  Some women will spend a weekend or week living together to learn more about each other.

There is no 100% guarantee...

Like most things in life, there is no way to be 100% sure when it comes to compatibility. And it's true that you never really know someone until you live with them.  So, it's important to learn how the other person communicates when problems arise. 

Do they get silent and leave; do they speak aggressively in response; do they overreact; do they cry?  Or are they willing to resolve things with discussion and problem-solving methods?  

Try to find out how your potential homemate responds to stress and problems.  If their usual responses are not helpful, they might be willing to change with your help.

As a SWLT subscriber, you will get all of our information and tools that stack the odds of you finding a compatible homemate significantly in you're favour.   

Are you ready to start exploring our Member Directory for potential homemates?
Get Started Now.   
  

Successful shared living requires several important ingredients. First, people who live together must be compatible with one another. Secondly, as individuals, they need to be flexible and open to new ideas and ways of doing things. Thirdly, the group of people need to communicate effectively. And finally, a solid, written agreement must be in place and reviewed frequently. 

What problem are you trying to solve?

Maybe your rental costs are so high there’s nothing left over for fun. You might be going further and further into debt each month just to keep a roof over your head.

Perhaps you find it lonely to live alone. Or you are worried about being alone with no one to help you if you fall or get sick.

Keep the problems that brought you to our website in mind. And know that the end result (happily living together with compatible homemates in an affordable home) will solve your problems, if you take your time and do it right.

Here are our suggestions for the best process to follow on your path to a successful outcome. 

Start by learning…..

Check out our step-by-step process to get an overview of what we do. Then read all of our getting started articles to learn how to prepare for your journey into shared living.

As you learn, you may have questions or concerns that crop up. Please contact us. We are happy to answer all your questions and concern.

Start to picture it…..

Take the time to imagine it. What would it be like for you to share meals with others, share a kitchen, perhaps share a bathroom? What are the pros and cons for you? Would you like to share your personal activities with others or not? How much time would you want to spend with your homemates?

As you go about your daily activities, start to picture what your day might be like living with homemates. Think about your best case scenarios and your deal breakers. For instance, would you want to live with someone who smokes cigarettes or cannabis? How about alcohol use? What personality traits would you want your homemates to have?

There is no right way to share a home…..

Keep in mind that some members will be interested in a high level of interaction with their homemates; others will prefer less interaction. Some potential homemates will be a good fit for you and others won’t. No matter what your preferences are, there will surely be others with the same ones.

When all is said and done, sharing a home means sharing your life to at least some degree. Make sure you feel some confidence that this is the right kind of housing for you.

Having said that, we also need to warn you about “analysis paralysis”. This happens when we over-think something to the point that we simply never make a choice or decision. And therefore, we never solve the problem.

And you came to this website to solve a problem, right?

Are you ready to start exploring our Member Directory for potential homemates?
Get Started Now.   

It’s natural to have some concerns or questions about sharing a home with others. So, we have pulled together the most common ones into this article.

We have offered suggestions because for most of these issues, there are no set answers. Each homemate group has to determine for themselves how they will manage these things.

It’s been said that flexibility is the single most important attribute needed for successful shared living. I think you will see why after you have read this article.

Can I share my car too?

Cars are expensive to maintain, particularly if you only use the car once a week or less. So sharing a car might be a great solution for you and for your homemates.

There is a lot to discuss and consider, of course, but we found a great resource to help you make decisions. Go HERE to learn more about car sharing.

What about cleaning?

Not many of us love to do the cleaning but sharing the tasks can actually be fun, if you approach it the right way.

The first thing to do is to find out what your prospective homemates opinions are about what “clean” means. And whether or not it their expectations are a deal breaker for living together. 

For some, clean means spotless. For others, it means tidy. And so on.

Then together, you can discuss the specific “rules” you want or need in regard to:

• who will do the cleaning and how often
• will each person clean their own bedroom
• how will you keep the common areas (living room, kitchen, bathrooms) clean and tidy

Naturally, rules should be somewhat flexible and account for certain times when the cleaning does not get done for good reasons. Also, everyone has to be tolerant about how the cleaning is done because everyone will likely have various ways of completing the tasks. For instance, one person may prefer to dust first and then vacuum, but another homemate may do it the other way around.

It’s a mistake to expect your homemates to do things the way that you do them. Just keep that issue to yourself and be grateful that the job is getting done and you don’t have to do it.

However, you might want to consider what you will do if one homemate never seems to get her jobs done or if she never fully completes her jobs. Then, include your decisions about this in your homemate agreement.

Instead of doing the cleaning themselves, some homemate groups hire a cleaner once a week or so. Others hire a cleaner to do the harder jobs (ceiling light fixtures, windows etc.) once or twice a year.

Who’s cooking tonight?

Meal preparation, grocery shopping and kitchen clean-up usually require lots of discussion.

You and your homemates will need to consider things like:

• how many shared meals, if any, per week
• the timing for cooking and kitchen use when not sharing meals
• who will do the clean-up when you share meals; how soon after using the kitchen should a homemate clean-up after herself
• how will grocery shopping get done and how will the costs of shared meals be handled

Again, flexibility is essential because not everyone may want to eat the same foods or at the same time of day.

Whose furniture to keep, store or give away?

Check out our “Less can be more; Downsize first!” article for more information on this topic.

This article assumes that everyone in your homemate group has already gotten rid of things they no longer need or want, or they are in the process of doing this.

Naturally, it is preferred in shared living homes, that each homemate’s personal space (usually just a bedroom) is hers to furnish and decorate as she sees fit. However, which furniture and decorations end up in the shared spaces is generally decided by all homemates together.

So, your homemate group will need to share information about the furniture each member has and wants to keep. It can be helpful to visit one another’s homes to have a look at the furniture, pictures etc. and then decide as a group which pieces will work best in the common areas of the shared home.

There may be a need to store some furniture and/or personal belongings, and some homemate groups will get a storage locker and share the cost. Sometimes, there is a basement or garage where things can be stored.

The most practical solution is for everyone to get rid of what they don’t need before moving in together. However, some homemate groups have a garage/yard sale after they are living together, and this can also work out well.

What about guests…..

Living with others means that we can’t make independent decisions about some things any more. Inviting guests, friends and/or family to visit is one of these issues because it affects everyone in the home, not just you.

Here are some of the things your homemate group needs to discuss:

• how many guests at a time; how often and for how long
• just adults or also children
• arranged ahead of time or on the spur of the moment
• how to manage extra costs related to guests, like food

Overnight guests is a more complex decision. For instance, will your homemates be okay with you having an intimate partner stay overnight?

Naturally, the size of your home will determine how many guests can be accommodated for a visit and whether or not there is a place for them to sleep. So some decisions need to be made after you have found a place to live.

Managing outside maintenance…..

Most people are not aware that landlords are required by the Residential Tenancies Act to maintain the yards and walkways of their rental units. This includes houses, not just apartments or condos. So, your landlord is responsible for snow removal and yard maintenance like grass cutting, removing or repairing hazardous things in the yard etc.

(Once you are a subscriber on our website, you will receive more specific information about this issue.)

If your homemate group prefers to do the snow shoveling or grass cutting themselves, you must get a separate agreement about this added to your lease and include how the landlord will compensate you and what equipment the landlord will supply, like a snow blower, shovels, ice melt, a lawnmower, rakes etc. Your landlord should lower your rent by a reasonable amount to compensate you.

Since none of us are getting any younger, SWLT recommends that your homemate group DOES NOT take on these tasks. Keep in mind that your physical strength and ability will wane as you age. For instance, at age 60 you may be physically able to do the work but at age 65 or 70, it may be impossible. Plus, if you get hurt doing the work and need special treatment to recover, an insurance claim might be needed and this gets complex relative to your landlord.

Gardening is a different issue, though. Landlords are not responsible for beautifying the property but most of them have no problem if the tenants do things because it improves the value of the property. So, if you enjoy gardening and want to spend the money and time putting in flower beds or a vegetable garden, you can likely go ahead. Just check it out first with your landlord.

How to handle the rent and utility payments…..

In shared living arrangements, with everyone responsible for a specific portion of the rent and utility payments, these portions need to be collected prior to the payment dates.

Your homemate group needs to decide how the collection will be done and who will complete the payments to the landlord and utility companies. It is usually simple for homemate groups to agree on how to do this.

What is a little more complex is determining how you will manage these payments for short-term or long-term absences, and if a homemate leaves for good. We provide lots of helpful information about these things once you are a subscriber. 

Safety Issues…..

A lot of women worry about being safe when they are living alone. Living with others appeals to many because of this.

However, there are still some safety considerations when living in a shared home.

A lot of landlords do not allow appliances like a kettle, a mini-fridge or a microwave in the bedrooms. This is due partly to the risk of fire but also these kinds of appliances gobble up electricity, and the home may not have enough capacity.

If your landlord will allow these kinds of appliances in the bedrooms, your homemate group needs to decide if it is worth the risk.

No one wants to be responsible for burning the house down. Let’s face it. We are not getting any younger. Although, our mental capacity and memory might be good now, how will it be in 3 or 5 years? Perhaps using electric appliances in the bedrooms is simply not a good idea.

Your homemate group may want to consider some other safety issues. Like no scatter rugs that are tripping hazards; checking that doors are locked; adding safety bars in the bathtub area; ensuring everyone has a spotter if using a stepstool.

A broken hip, arm or leg is not something any of us wants for ourselves or for our homemates.

What about insurance?

Your landlord must maintain building insurance, so you don’t need to worry about that. But contents insurance can be a good idea.

The problem is that it can be hard to get contents insurance for unrelated people living together. The insurance companies have not yet caught up with shared living rentals, so often they will only insure families for contents insurance.

SWLT has a relationship with an insurance broker who has been able to get contents insurance for some of our homemate groups. Once you are living together with your homemates, contact us for more information about this.

More information on these and other topics…..

If you have concerns about your pets and shared living, check out this article: Including Pets in Your Shared Living Home

For links to all of our “Getting Started” articles, go HERE.

Are you ready to become a member and start looking for potential homemates?
Go HERE to get started. 

Shared living, for most of us, is a brand new way of life. You may remember the “Golden Girls” show and laughingly wonder if you are most like Blanche, Dorothy, Rose or Sophia. But then remind yourself that it was a sitcom and not real life.

As you move around the Senior Women Living Together site, you might sometimes feel excited by the prospect of living with others…….at other times, you might wonder if this life-style is right for you.

It’s normal to have some concerns when contemplating such a big change.

Read our informative articles …..

We have a list of articles designed to explain the most common questions about shared living.

Things like managing pets, the best number of homemates, whose furniture to use and getting prepared for the changes are some of the topics.

Read more articles HERE

How much commitment is enough…..

As you continue discovering what our shared living option is all about, you may decide to become a member to learn more. Even though you may not be 100% certain, checking out the profiles of potential homemates may give you a better idea of what’s possible.

Eventually, 100% commitment is required. But in the meantime, it costs nothing to explore and imagine yourself living together with other like-minded women.

To enjoy the adventure, become a member HERE