Not all shared living arrangements turn out well, unfortunately. However, almost all problems happen because there was no written and agreed upon set of expectations and house rules or the participants did not actively use their written agreement to solve problems.
It's like a marriage. After the honeymoon is over, you start to notice all kinds of things about your spouse that you didn't notice before or that you thought wouldn't bother you.
Would your marriage have been better if you had co-created a written agreement about how things would be done and who would do them? And then reviewed it on a regular basis, making changes when needed?
Alice and Joan thought they didn't need one.....
(Names are fictitious) Alice and Joan were so excited when they met on the Senior Women Living Together website. There was an instant attraction between them. They had the same sense of humour and thoroughly enjoyed each other's company.
Since they were both anxious to find a new place to live, they began looking soon after meeting and found a lovely 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom apartment they both loved.
However, just a few days after moving in together, problems started to show up. They had some disagreements about whose furniture should go in the living room and when the cleaning should be done. Initially, they were able to come to some verbal agreement but within a month, they found they were bickering about almost everything.
They were both miserable and sad. Joan moved out at the end of the 4th month of living together.
Alice said, "We thought we didn't need a homemate agreement, but we were so wrong about this. And by the time, we sat down to create one, we were hardly speaking and too angry with each other."
Set yourself up for success instead.....
There are a lot of good things that happen when you sit down together to co-create your future. As you make decisions together, you start building more and more commitment into your relationship.
Simply deciding to take the time to create an agreement together is a commitment. Your decision says, "I am committed to doing all I can to make this work."
For sure, you will get to know one another better as you work through the agreement issues. You will learn more about how each one makes decisions, about their communication styles and about their expectations. This builds intimacy and trust.
Topics to include in your agreement....
A written agreement needs to state all of the house rules clearly. Plus, it should include all of the specific things that relate to your particular situation.
Here is a starting list of topics for an agreement:
- how will the rent and utilities bills be paid
- how will cars and parking spots be managed
- how will we manage our pets
- whose furniture and knick knacks will go in the communal spaces
- how will we share the bathroom
- how will we handle grocery shopping, meals and using the kitchen
- what about cleaning and laundry
- noise levels, partying and guests
The SWLT Homemate Agreement includes all of the above and more. We added a section called Aging Together that discusses things like providing physical caregiving, managing injuries/operations/falls, how to manage signs of dementia etc. Another SWLT section is about maintaining healthy relationships that includes things like managing conflicts, respecting boundaries, managing hurt feelings and what's not okay when talking to one another. (When you become a member, you will get a copy of the SWLT Homemate Agreement).
It does not need to be a legal document .....
The SWLT Homemate Agreement is not a legal document, like a lease. It's a social and moral contract. You are promising to behave according to the contents of the agreement and to remain committed to doing all you can to maintain an harmonious relationship with your homemates.
Not written in stone.....
Life and circumstances change, and your Homemate Agreement should reflect these changes. The point is that everyone should have the expectation that changes will be made over time. And this expectation actually helps everyone to make compromises. If you all know that a specific decision made in December could be changed in March, it's easier to agree to a "Let's try this for now" kind of decision.
It's about what works and what doesn't work ....
When everyone in the homemate group participates fully in it's creation and revision and everyone is fully commited to attending Homemate Agreement meetings, a successful outcome is almost assured.
When people live together, there will always be disagreements that arise from time to time. But there does not need to be any negative and unproductive conversation, like blaming, name-calling, anger or resentment.
Developing and regularly revising a Homemate Agreement is about determining what works and what doesn't work. For instance, a month after creating agreement on how everyone will share a bathroom, things aren't going well. Homemates are frustrated. So, instead of arguing or blaming, the issue can be brought to a Homemate Agreement meeting and new decisions can be made that solve the problems.
Keep in mind that most unsuccessful shared living arrangements happen when there is no formal, written agreement that everyone is committed to.
Are you ready to get started finding compatible
homemates? Go here.